He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
