i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I need to sanitize my soul.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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