I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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