i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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