I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
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Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
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My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.