May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
