I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
