I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She's the barista slut.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
