dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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