Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
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For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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