I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize