i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
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The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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