im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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