grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
