Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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