i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
