Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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