you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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