I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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