Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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