I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
