We're like a lot better than the average bears
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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