i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
