Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
