Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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