hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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