you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
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Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
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When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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