he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
