i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
