We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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