i already hear my dad disowning me
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
