Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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