my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
