i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
a search helicopter?!
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
