haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not