im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Everclear isn't food dammit