Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
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I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
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I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.