i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!