I accidentally had phone sex last night
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.