I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
not ubering you a puppy
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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