shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
