I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You smell like a Billy Joel song
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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