my phone needs a breathalizer
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
