When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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