I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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