Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
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