Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
