if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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