I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
