hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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