Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
pray to the hookup gods
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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