Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
