Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
