I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
