Is it normal to miss your booty call?
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
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Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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