you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
